Boozapalooza at the Zoo
by SageK
Summary: When did he become the guy who got the call when his drunk friends got their dumb asses hauled in by 5-0? Written for the Puck/Rachel drabble meme


Normally, Noah Puckerman was not one to be asleep at 10 pm, but he'd spent the day supervising his little sister Sarah and five of her friends. Six tweens could wear him out like nothing else and he'd been so happy to drop them off at their respective houses (to respective parents, most of whom looked like the return of their child was no more fun for them). Sarah had immediately told mom about her great day, but upon hearing the cursed 'Twilight' word, Noah had excused himself to turn in early.

He was normally okay with the vampire stuff. True Blood was so many sick kinds of awesome and Buffy was hot as hell, but Twilight was just some weak ass emo shit. Who the hell came up with the idea that a vampire should sparkle? No one with a dick, that's for sure.

But it was crack to Sarah and her horde of mini Bella wannabees. He was pretty sure he'd have to shove pencils through his ears to deafen himself if he heard one more word about Edward and Jacob today. Then Rachel would kill him for that act of self preservation, cuz it would totally throw off his ability to harmonize.

So, he was man enough to admit he ran away from his freakishly obsessed sister and left her to torment mom.

It was hours later when the buzzing of his phone clattering across the bedside table woke him. The rest of the house was silent, so he assumed mom and Sarah had finished their movie. As he reached for the phone, he wondered if she'd left the damn thing in the DVD player. Maybe he could torch the readable side of it with a lighter. Killing the DVD would make him feel marginally better about not being able to punch each and every one of the actors in the face for completing the pusssification of the vampire genre.

"Yeah," he said gruffly into the phone. It was after 10 and if someone had his number then they probably weren't expecting a polite answer anyhow.

"Noah!" Rachel Berry's loud, overly bright voice rang through the phone and he flinched, lowering the volume. "Oh Noah, you have to come get us!"

"Huh?" It was a valid question.

"Brittany tried to ride the girraffe and did you know monkey will eat vomit? I don't want to pat the monkeys anymore."

What. The. Fuck? "Giraffe…and monkeys…Rachel, where the hell are you? A zoo?"

"No," came her very serious response and he could see her pout through the phone. "The mean police man made us leave. They're on the side of the zoo people. Evil animal oppressors, keeping wild creatures in cages. They're…they're…they're oppressors!"

Okay, one thing Noah knew how to identify was that subtle tone in a persons voice that only came out when they'd had way too much to drink. Despite what people thought, he was actually quite good at math and did the addition. "You're at the police station aren't you?"

"Yes! How did you know that Noah?"

"I'm psychic," he muttered, which made her squeal.

"Oh me too! Anyhow, my Daddies and Brittany's parents are out of town. The mean police talked to them and no charges are being pressed by the zoo oppressors - But we can't go back! They banned us! I think it…"

In the back ground, he heard a giggling Brittany shout, "Come get us, Puck!"

With a sigh, he said, "I'll be there soon…and Rachel, ask the mean police man for some coffee and water, okay."

"Okay," she replied brightly. "Bye, Noah!"

The line went dead with a click and Noah lurched out of bed, tugging on the first jeans and shirt that passed the sniff test. Grabbing his phone, wallet and keys he set off to the police station, wondering what the hell had happened to send Brittany and Rachel - Rachel, of all people- on a crazy, drunken rampage at the zoo.

* * *

"She had to know

The pain was beating on me like a drum

She underestimated

Just who she was stealing from

She's not a saint and she's not what you think

She's an actress, whoa

She's better known for the things that she does

On the mattress, whoa

Soon she's gonna find

Stealing other people's toys

On the playground

Won't make you many friends…"

"Rachel!" Noah entered the Lima police station to hear Rachel's strong voice angrily belting out a song, Brittany chiming in on the harmony. The two of them were twirling each other around and most of the cops looked amused. Sgt. Loomis, large and cranky as always, was at the desk and eyeing Noah warily, clearly recognizing him, but his expression turned to relief when Rachel quieted at his shout.

"Noah!"

"Puck!"

He found himself with two arm fulls of tipsy girls and he tossed a confused look at the cops. "Um, so…what happened?"

"Finn slept with Santana again!" Rachel said, burying her face against his chest. "And he was basically rubbing my face in the fact!"

"Santana too!" Brittany said sadly, then nodded. "So I thought we could get drunk and forget…I do forget how we got to the zoo…but I remember the giraffe! Can I ride the giraffe?"

"No." Noah was pretty sure this was the point where the Earth was supposed to pen up and the devil was supposed to pop out and inform them that hell had in fact frozen over. Cuz that was the only way he ever thought he'd be agreeing with a room full of cops.

"How about a horse?" Brittany was not to be deterred and she looked at the nearest officer. "Don't police have horses?"

The officer shook her head and walked off. This made Brittany pout for a moment before she announced, "I want tacos!"

"Ooohh," Rachel said, swaying a little. "I want a taco!"

Did he somehow stumble into bizarre world? "You're a vegan," he reminded Rachel slowly then looked at Loomis. "Um, can they go?"

The older man nodded. "As long as they stay away from the zoo, their parents will be in charge of administering their punishments."

"Thanks." Noah knew not to look a gift horse in the mouth and hustled the girls out of the station and over to his truck. After a few failed attempts to climb into the vehical, Rachel giggled as Noah lifted her into the cab and Brittany scrambled up behind her. Settling into the drivers seat, he turned on the engine and said, "Okay, now…."

"TACOS!" they girls chorused, then broke down into hysterical laughter.

Argueing with a drunk was pointless, so Noah resigned himself to a stop at Taco Bell with a shrug. What the hell, he could go for a cheesy Gordita Crunch right about now. He'd need the energy, cuz it seemed that Britt and Rachel were energetic drunks.

Shaking his head, he wondered when he became the guy who got the call when his drunk friends got their dumb asses hauled in by 5-0? Usually he was one of the drunk dumb asses.

Beside him, Rachel was fiddling with the dial on the radio until she found a song she liked and began bouncing, despite the seatbelt he'd managed to strap around her. Brittany grinned as well and Noah sighed as they began to belt out the lyrics.

"Do you know that there's still a chance for you?'Cause there's a spark in youYou just gotta ignite the light, and let it shineJust own the night like the Fourth of July'Cause baby, you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go "ah, ah, ah!"As you shoot across the sky-y-yBaby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go "ah, ah, ah!"You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, aweYou don't have to feel like a waste of spaceYou're original, cannot be replacedIf you only knew what the future holdsAfter a hurricane, comes a rainbow"

As annoying as he found the song, he didn't have the heart to ask them to stop and simply resigned himself to a long, loud night.

* * *

Comments, pretty please?


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